A relationship ends and a break-up is imminent when we are unable to work together to overcome a major crisis or resolve disagreements in the relationship. Such unresolvable issues include significant personal differences and life experiences or personality traits that are difficult or impossible to change.
We need expressions of love in order to cope with everyday life in a relationship. If we don’t feel accepted by the other person or connect with our partner, we don’t feel good in the relationship. If the relationship lacks warmth and closeness, ending it may feel like the only solution.
Factors that foreshadow a break-up include:
- seeing the other person as completely bad
- disdain for the partner
- withdrawal and the disappearance of feelings.
Not all relationships work, and not every partner is the right one. However, it can be difficult to make the decision to end a relationship even if you are not happy with your current situation.
ENDING A RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES LISTENING
It is important to listen to your feelings when you are considering ending a relationship. You can ask yourself these questions:
- Is my partner number one for me?
- Are we respectful towards each other?
- Are we close?
- Do we share dreams, plans, and goals?
- Are we able to solve our problems?
- Can we jointly endure the things that cannot be changed?
If you have to answer “no” to the above questions, then the following questions need to be considered honestly:
- Do I have the desire to try to turn the answers into “yes” answers?
- Am I ready and willing to work on my relationship, and is the other party ready and willing to do so?
When you think about ending a relationship, you need to consider what you will and will not agree to. You might stop to think about situations where you have to settle for less than you’d like. For example, you can use the following questions to take stock of your own situation:
- Am I able to live in accordance with my valuesin the relationship?
- Are my important needs being met,g. my sexual needs or the need for intimacy, security, being seen and valued?
- Am I able to fulfil my desires, at least to some extent?
If you settle for an unsatisfactory relationship, you are cheating both yourself and your partner. If you don’t feel genuine respect and love for the other person, you are stealing the other person’s “love time”. Instead of constantly wondering if the relationship is what you need, be honest and end the relationship.
BREAKING UP HURTS
When we break up, we have to give up a loved one, often our best friend, our shared friends and other close people, our shared activities, perhaps even our shared home. We also have to give up our shared future and dreams.
If a long-standing dissatisfaction suddenly surfaces, it can be a shock to discover it. Feelings of betrayal and bitterness are common when your partner brings up the idea of separation. It can be difficult to understand why the other person wants to break up, why the love simply ran out.
It is often difficult to give a single, clear reason for the end of the relationship, and the person leaving may not even be able to offer an exhaustive explanation for their decision. Sometimes, the reasons for a break-up are not given in order to spare the other person’s feelings.
The sudden end of a relationship can cause unimaginable pain if you are completely emotionally involved. That is why it matters how we end the relationship. You can always end a relationship in a respectful way, talking things through. Both parties should be able to talk about their feelings, even if they disagree.
YOU WILL GET OVER THE BREAK-UP
You will get through the break-up, even though the pain can be enormous at first. The first days and weeks are the most difficult, and there may even be physical symptoms at the beginning. It is good to have someone close to you who can encourage you to eat and rest, and with whom you can share your feelings. After the initial pain, you will gradually start to feel better. A break-up is not a one-off event but a process of letting go, and it takes time to accept and recover from it.
After the initial shock, it is worth taking your time to mourn and process the loss. It is important to work through emotions such as sadness, disappointment, fear, anger, as well as feelings of abandonment and guilt in order to cope with the break-up.
YOU CAN PROCESS THE LOSS
- by sharing thoughts and feelings with a friend or other close person
- by writing about your feelings and thoughts
- in various groups
The end of a relationship can also be a growth process, during which you learn a lot about yourself. Recognising your behaviour models can help you understand the reasons for the end of the relationship and to create a better and longer-lasting relationship in the future. As you process the break-up, your self-awareness improves.